To be loved.
I really hate who I’ve suddenly become. I’ve been changed from this happy, outgoing, socio-politicaly dominating socialite to a dark tired sad alone weirdo.
I’m hiding in my bedroom which is a beautiful metaphor for the current status of my life, I can’t bring myself to get out of the house long enough to have much meaningful interaction with other humans (not counting the ones that require an LCD screen).
Run out to catch a movie and eat dinner with a friend, come home. Have a friend come over, make them leave after a few short hours. Spending my time alone, having now seen every single episode of House, Dollhouse, Greys Anatomy, Lost, (I’m still terrified of approaching what I’ve missed in Heros, I saw it start, followed it religiously, missed it for a few months, never went back).
I can’t make myself get up and clean my room or take a shower. I work on school, sleep, feel bad about myself, repeat the cycle. I decide to wake up at six o clock in the morning, check the watch, it’s already 3AM. 6AM isn’t happening. Maybe 8AM instead. Realistically, I wake up at 2PM.
I’m basically hiding from all of society, because I no longer have any confidence about who I’ve become. Someone recently asked me during a text-based round of “questions’, what my favourite thing about myself was. It took me almost ten minutes to think of something. I can’t stand a single thing about myself physically, and that makes me feel even worse. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. I’ll be sitting here and see something, and just start crying. I feel like a 12 year old girl who just found out that the last Twilight movie got canceled and Robert Pattinson died in a freak Airplane/Rabid Deer accident.
I need to kick myself in the ass, drag myself the hell out of bed, clean my god damned room, take a shower, comb my hair, find my retainer, brush my teeth, get snazzed up, go out in the real world. Maybe I’ll buffer the interaction between myself and the unwashed masses with a camera. Nothing stops people from getting in your business like a 50mm lense and a DSLR.
It’s time to put a bit of change into my life. And I know I cannot possibly be the only one who feels like this. It’s almost a shame I’m typing this at two thirty in the morning, because by the time all my followers and friends (and the overlap) wake up, this will be buried too far back in the logs to ever be seen. (i’ll queue it)
So here’s the deal world, I propose a change. I’m here, at my lectern, going for the gold. I’m going to make changes in my life, and I propose that we all do the same. I don’t give a damn how many likes or reblogs I get, just as long as I know at least ONE person in the world was affected by this post. We all need to get our asses out of bed, clean stuff up a little bit, get into the clothes that make us feel good, get out into the world, and interact. Be with people. Make new friends. Reconnect with old friends. Discover a new band. Laugh at a bad movie. Whatever. Get thrown out of Wal Mart or stay at Dennys till three in the morning because you just can’t bear to be away from the people you’re with. It doesn’t matter. Just get off your bum, get out there, and be happy. We’re going for the squeaky clean contented version of you. Seriously.
I may have stopped making sense a few paragraphs ago. Who knows? All I could ever tell you is that this is the moment where I begin the change in my life. I’m putting on Sufjan Stevens (they are my happy music), and tomorrow morning, when I drag myself out of bed at 6 AM and throw myself violently into the shower to wake myself up, I’m going to write goals on paper.
Forget new years. This is new Tylers.
Now, shall we begin?
